Play it cool 'guv...

Easier said than done though isn't it. Granted no-one wants a needy boyfriend on the end of the phone everyday desperate to "talk" about things but still.

H has gone away for a few days with friends. I've not heard from her since she went. In the meantime I've been thinking that I've made a terrible mistake. I want her. I want "us". But is that what I'm really feeling? When I spoke to IB the other night he made me see things in a new light, which is unusual for him as when it comes to relationships he's normally as useful as a chocolate teapot.

I'm the one who's moved out of my home.
I'm the one who's now living my parents.
I'm the one whose friends live bloody miles away.
I'm the one who has just lost his job.
I'm the one lacking direction, purpose and is generally confused as fuck as to what's going on.

H has none of these things to worry about. She's still in our flat, with our cats, with one of her best friends as her flatmate to keep her company. She has a job she loves, friends nearby and now has gone gallivanting to the other end of the country having a wail of a time. No wonder she's not that fussed about being single. Must be lovely. If only the boot was on the other foot. Would she feel different?

How can we possibly get to understand how we feel about each other when the playing table is so angled towards one player? And just what can I do about it?

So do I really want her back, or am I just feeling a natural loneliness coupled with insecurities about becoming unemployed and not seeing any of my mates?

How the bloody hell am I supposed to know?!

The Other Woman

No, not like that.

I've done some dumb things in relationships but never that stupid.

But there is another woman of sorts. Just before H and I stopped living together, we were on holiday abroad. One night we met a group of girls over dinner and spent the rest of the night with them, drinking, dancing and having a great time.

One of them (let's call her C) caught my eye. She was mesmerically beautiful and wonderful company. All night we chatted and flirted whilst H chatted to other people. It's quite normal for us at parties or on nights out not to spend much time in each other's company so it wasn't unusual. But for the first time since I'd met H I found myself thinking "if only...." and "I wonder...".

Nothing happened between us. I'm not a complete bastard and I love H far too much to do anything like that. But the chemistry was undeniable and C is visiting Britain later in the year and is keen to meet up again. As am I. Is the grass truly greener? Or did too much beer, holiday spirit and a downturn in my own relationship cause me to find excitement in one meaningless night?

C emails me occasionally and my heart skips a beat each time my inbox pings. It stopped doing that with H a long time ago. But that's normal right? After five years the excitement does wain. But other things compensate. The closeness of the relationship, the almost psychic ability to know how your partner is feeling etc. H and I had those things and it was amazing. Any new relationship wouldn't and that's a big deal. A really big deal.

I'll see what JS (my relationship mentor & confident so far) thinks when we go for curry later this week. If the mere thought of king prawn dhansak gets me excited what chance do I stand!?!

The Lost Boys

One unexpected consequence, I've discovered, of a long-term relationship was the deterioration of my own, independent social life.

Although I've never been a person with huge numbers of friends, I greatly enjoy the company of others and made good friendships at school and university. Over the last five years though, I've not been brilliant at keeping in touch with some of them. And now I need them.

The loneliness of not being in a relationship comes as quite a shock. Just the fact that at the end of every day there was someone to share your thoughts with made life enjoyable. I'm lucky in that my two closest friends, J & I have been incredibly understanding and good support.

The others though don't even know what's happened. Facebook profiles have yet to be updated so the wider world doesn't know. Don't you just love modern technology. I'm now going to have to make concerted efforts to get back in touch with these people; to get my social life back.

I am lucky though that I've made some great friends in the year I've lived in East Dulwich. The East Dulwich Forum (linked on the right) is a great community asset and has led to drinks, curries and book clubs. It makes a zone 2 London borough feel like home. And is one of the main reasons I'm not running away, despite H still living in our flat there.

So, to all my old buddies out there. I'm back. And ready to go. For beers.

The Art of Compromise

So, the job. How does he manage to f*$k that up as well, you ask yourselves?

Well, some might say I'm lazy.

I like to think I've never been sufficiently stimulated to fulfil my potential. Did your school reports ever say "must try harder" or "gifted but lazy"? Mine did, and I seemed to have developed the knack of carrying that over into the world of work.

For three years I've worked as a researcher for a political consultancy and I've wanted to leave for two of those. Only I never really got round to it. I've never been really happy there and the work was dull and monotonous. Those aren't helpful to someone who naturally rests on their laurels.

After a couple of warnings they approached me with some misdemeanours. I denied them or claimed mitigating circumstances. The solution to avoid further anguish on both sides is a "compromise agreement". Basically, they give me some cash and I bugger off without going to a tribunal. Everyone's a winner.

Now I've got three months to decide what the hell I want to do with my life. I'm degree educated, have great experience and when motivated, produce great work (even if I do say so myself) - but I've no idea what I want to do. Is this normal at 25? Anyone?

Today's programme is brought to you by the letter H

I had never been in love before.

When it happened I didn't even know what to do. It was a whirlwind romance, begun in the final year of university degrees.

H was everything I had ever hoped for in a girlfriend. Smart (smarter than me), funny, full of the joy of life, gregarious, sexy.....and she could drink for England! Our first date consisted of a trip to the local boozer where she matched every one of my 6 pints of Tetleys with a pint of Guiness. It wasn't love at first sight but I was mightily impressed. I never looked back.

Then last month my world was brought crashing down. I read her text messages on her phone. A stupid, distrusting thing to do and something I'll always regret. But I did it. I discovered that she had been contemplating an affair with a work associate and exchanging explicit messages with him.

I'd been living in ignorant bliss. There were mitigating factors (something I may return to later), but the trust was broken. H had betrayed me and I had been snooping on her. Nothing could be the same again. The trust would never return. It just couldn't work, could it?

We tried hard. Even went on holiday together (I can heartily recommend Prague and the rest of the Czech Republic). It was in vain. The sex and lust was still there. But it was empty. I moved out of our flat in East Dulwich and am now at my parents home in Surrey. I'm moving back when I can. I love the area. I've made good friends there. But not with H. Not together.

For the first time in nearly five years, I'm single again. In the prime of life, still in my mid-twenties. And yet, I have 'the fear'*.

*'the fear' - a condition of anxiety caused by being single of the possibility of single-dom. What will you do, where will you go, how will you survive without a partner? A condition H and I would joke about affecting our friends relationships we had our doubts about. Ironic, no?

Down and Out in Dulwich

Can one have a quarter-life crisis? Does such a thing exist? Is it recognised by the scientific community? If it does not, is not, may I recommend urgent consideration for its inclusion in the psychiatric lexicon.



And may I present myself, and this blog, as a case-study.



A traditional mid-life crisis may bring about many changes in its subject. An affair, a sports-car puchase, the sudden desire to wear clothes designed for people twenty years younger than you. This blog will detail my strikes and gutters, to use a bowling analogy, as I try and get my life back on track after two life-altering events that are currently occuring.



Firstly, after nearly five happy years, my relationship appears to be coming to an end. We no longer live together and are in the last throse of the seemingly inevitable confirmation of 'the end'.



Secondly, after three miserable years, I am leaving my job at the end of August. I don't yet have another. I being paid-off. A 'compromise agreement'. They want rid of me, but don't have grounds to fire me, and I want to go. Ergo, I get three months salary and am punted out into the world of unemployment and daytime television.



What awaits, I have no idea. Only time will tell. Until then, I'm down and out in Dulwich.